walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
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... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
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What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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