You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
