:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
