1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
