What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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