i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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