he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
