Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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