if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
