At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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