I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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