Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heโs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Oh and itโs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ๐๐๐๐ฌ๐ณ๐
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