Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
