woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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