and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
