i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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