the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
