I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Randomize
