I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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