First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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