I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
