I hate your face
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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