he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
