you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
