I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
