I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
