My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
