There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Holy shit dude........stairs
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
