She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
