I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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