how can u be prego again
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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