I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm passing your future prison.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
