Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
