my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
