Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
