were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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