I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
