You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
