Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
