i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
The Olympian is in my bed
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