Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
