I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
