when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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