I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
