Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
