I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
