On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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