haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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