It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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