I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
