My balls are so social today.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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