I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
