It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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