Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
