Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
