If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
