I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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