Welp...herpes.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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