There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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