Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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