I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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