1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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