the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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