Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
