My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
