the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
